Tame Your Blame!
Blame plays a HUGE part in the failure of anything, especially a marriage. When divorce strikes, those involved want to understand (and need to understand) what has happened. They need to put their divorce into context so they can make sense of things – and blame is one very effective tool to do just that. However, when blame gets overused or misused, it becomes 'Blame Storming' – a constant fervor of blaming others instead of looking at oneself.
Urban Dictionary defines Blame Storming as: 'where an organization gets together to pick out a suitable excuse or scapegoat'. Now apply this definition to your divorce. Are you and your friends getting together and blaming your ex for every hardship and bad thing in your life? Does your family chime in with what a jerk your ex is? Do the neighbors cringe every time your ex picks up the kids? That's Blame Storming, and while it may feel good to be 'supported' it's important you recognize how this is actually holding you back and creating collateral damage.
Here's What Blame Storming Can Cost You
- Every time you Blame Storm, you are casting aside an opportunity for your own growth and healing. Blame is an easy, quick fix to feeling better, feeling superior, getting attention, etc., but it doesn't help you grow as a person. Think about all the hours spent blaming your ex when you could have been thinking about that new job you want to apply for, the new condo, or the new better-for-you relationship, or just enjoying the moment with your friends and family
- Blame Storming keeps you in victim-mode. If you are blaming someone for something (even if it is factually true) you are casting yourself as a victim. That's not very empowering, and it’s certainly not a good way to rebuild your life. Every time you play victim you are handing over the reins to your life. You're giving someone else all your power.
- Blame is static. It doesn't do anything or accomplish anything. It just clings there like a big, wet blanket. To really move on with your life you need to take massive, positive action. Anything that doesn't contribute massive, positive action toward your goals is holding you back.
Ways To Tame The Blame
- Unload without going over-board by setting-up a 15-minute BMW session (bitch, moan & whine session) with your family and friends. Tell them upfront you are trying to move on from your divorce and you don't want to spend more than 10 minutes unloading about the current state of affairs. Let them know you appreciate their support, but you need the focus to be on the life you are creating, not the life you have left behind. Ask them to stop you if you go longer than your pre-defined time, and ask them to ask you about other areas of your life besides your ex and your divorce. All this can be done in advance and it can be done in the spirit of a fun challenge.
- Use your journal. A journal is a great tool to get all the negative feelings you have about your divorce out of your system. By keeping your blame to the pages of a journal, you decrease the odds of it getting out of control and becoming a Blame Storming fest. There are many documented advantages of regular journaling: less stress, better health, better sleep, lower blood pressure, creative problem-solving increases – among other things.
- Seek Counsel. You need support to create a new life, so ask for help from the appropriate professionals. Under the guidance of a skilled, professional third party, you'll be able to process your blame in a healthy way, without the Blame Storming. It'll feel good to you, and be a great gift to those around you.
Blame Storming is emotionally expensive and can quickly ruin the odds of living a healthy life after divorce. Be courageous, Mamas! Set a goal to tame your blame so you can move on and have that fabulous life you really want!