Common Emotions During The Holiday Season: Lesson #1 – Relationships

Thanksgiving Day marks the onset of the Holiday Season for many Americans. A wide variety of emotions, such as loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, loss, grief, bereavement, dysthymia (mild depression) to full-blown major depression episode, happiness, joy, contentment, elation, belongingness, love, jealousy, envy, anger, hatred, disgust, guilt, shame, disappointment, fear, desperation, frustration, hopefulness, may be magnified during this time of year. Some people may feel distressed and even overwhelmed by their feelings and do not quite know how to cope. They may feel compelled to act on their emotions with “negative” behavior, such as a variety of harmful addictions.

Advices are usually given out freely and numerous articles are written, but unfortunately, they are simply too superficial to be helpful to readers who come from a variety of background and experiences, and have different sets of problems. No favorite quotations, phrases, clichés, proverbs, anecdotes, words of wisdom, or wise sayings, regardless of their popularity or how it may provide a person with a temporary sense of solace and “good-feeling”, can adequately address people’s feelings partially because of the vast, complex, and often misunderstood or under-appreciated elements that compose any given individual’s personal situation, psyche and state of mind. In fact, current emotions may be haunting and lingering symptoms of deeper, longstanding, rather serious, and unconscious/subconscious problems from the distant past.

Coping SkillsLesson #1:
If we cut to the chase, life is ultimately about relationships! Therefore, when there is a disconnection from our inner self, we tend to fail in various relationships at many levels and thus experience the feeling of numerous negative emotions.

Key Points

1) Life is basically about relationships, but people vary in their communication styles and relationship skills and thus have different levels of success in relationships. Some people never learned about moderation and balance, often because they lacked competent and skilled parents or substitute caretakers/role-models who took the time and were able to teach appropriate life and stress coping skills.
Thus, children grow up with dysfunctional communication styles and coping skills, typically at one or both extreme ends: (1) similar style as the parent(s)/caretaker(s), or (2) adoption of polar style of the caretaker(s) through the process of rebellion. A key point is neither extreme communication style and coping skills are fruitful to the individual and thus to surrounding people and environment in the long run and miss the moderate, balanced, centered, or “middle way”, so often discussed by spiritual authors.
2) A variety of relationships exist in life, and we can place them into 4 major categories.

  • Relationship with oneself
  • Relationship with our environment
  • Relationship with a “higher power”
  • Relationship with other people:
  • intimate partner(s)
  • our parents
  • our children
  • other family members, such as siblings or extended family
  • friends
  • boss/authoritative figures
  • co-workers
  • subordinates
  • acquaintances
  • strangers

3) Few people in this world have attained a high level of spirituality. However, people use the term “spiritual” in a variety of ways and often assume others have the same definition. The author defines a spiritual person as someone having found inner peace and tranquility, i.e. finding authenticity within. Thus, a highly spiritual person is secure deep down about oneself, has a pure heart and possesses the moral virtues of loving-kindness, compassion, fairness, and temperance (not just tolerance of other people and their beliefs).
A spiritual person, after discovering inner peace, is then capable of developing a clear mind, in comparison to many other people who constantly have mental chatter or noise that clouds their perception, interpretation, and understanding of life events, environment, a higher power, and other people. Thus, most people live in various forms and degree of self-deception, whereas a highly spiritual person has overcome the fallacy of self-deception (or perhaps experiences a lesser degree of self-deception), which in turn allows her to deal with others and the environment in a more authentic, honest, and fair way.
4) In contrast to spiritual people, who start by focusing on relationship with oneself and developing a good self-concept before they focus on developing relationships with others, many people with emotional problems go about it backwards: they seek external relationships first, in particular a romantic/intimate partner. The problem with seeking security through external relationships, without developing inner sense of security first, is that one cannot really give what one does not already experienced and possesses.
For example, one cannot provide authentic security and give true love to another person if one does not possess true love and a good self-concept through a sense of solid security within. One simply cannot give what one does not have. And unfortunately, an unloved child often grows up to become an adult who has difficulty not just in giving love, but also in receiving love.
5) A good test of a person’s spiritual level is how he relates and deals with strangers. Although some of us abuse our own family members, many people love and treat loved ones, primarily own family, with respect, but the matter of fact is that it is very easy to respect and love a spouse or child because they represent extensions of ourselves. However, treating, respecting and loving a mere stranger with the same or similar degree as one’s own family requires a mindset and belief system that only a very secure person with inner peace and tranquility can truly possess and subsequently behave.
Happy Holidays and see you next week for lesson #2,
Tobey Leung, MD    

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